i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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