yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The power of my boobs compel you
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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