I never want to see another naked old woman again.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
