My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Enjoy the penises
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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