Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
