Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
