I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
