just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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