I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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