If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
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