I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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