onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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