i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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