In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dicks are not precious.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
