wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
