If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
