seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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