my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
