if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just found puke in my bra..
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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