It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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