I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
