Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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