even my farts smell like vagina
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
