hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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