what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
