I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
