Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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