Cold hands, warm shart.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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