if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
