Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
