the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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