all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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