saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
