you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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