I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
