I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
