Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
