Even the bartender felt bad for me
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
