the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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