Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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