mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
