Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
