yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
