Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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