You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
FUCK WHALES
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
