sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
