I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
