i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
