wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
