We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
