I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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