I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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