Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you win again, gameday.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
