I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
