i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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